Complicated Emotions
by Lunarlight97
Summary: Alois can never stop thinking about his butler, Claude Faustus. One-sided Alois x Claude. Includes one very small violent scene that really doesn't go into description at all and very very mild language.


**AN: Thank you so much for reading this! I got really bored one day and just kind of started this. I didn't really know where it was going but I'm pretty content with how it turned out so that's really why I decided to post it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters! (sadly)**

**Thanks again for reading this. I hope you enjoy it!**

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It's rare for him to ever look at me, but when he does I see nothing but contempt. I always remind him that he never smiles, but I know this isn't true. He does smile, just not at me. Then I'll tell him that his eyes are colder than normal, but again I am lying. His eyes are always that frigid when their gaze is cast upon me.

Our contract is what binds us. I know this, and he knows this. The lovely pattern that has been printed so delicately upon my tongue is what he acknowledges and what he recognizes as our relationship. He will serve me and in return I will give him my soul to feast on. I wish I could tell him that I love him, probably more than he will ever come to know. However, he is a demon, and perhaps my thoughts are not hidden to his endless knowledge.

Claude Faustus. That name sends shivers through my spine. I love him. Demon or not, I'm in love with him. My fingers always ask to brush his skin, and my eyes demand to view his form. My nose begs to recognize his scent and my ears are forever pleased when granted the deep sound of his voice. My tongue feels so neglected for my sense of taste is the only one that has not had its wish fulfilled.

I could command him to grant my tongue relief, but then it would mean nothing, and that is not what I want at all. No, what I want is for him to want, and that want has to be me. If there is no feeling behind his words and actions then what is the point? I would hate for Claude to be forced upon me. It would be disgusting and not nearly as satisfying as I would hope it to be. No. Instead he must love me and do this on a whim of his own.

Sometimes I wonder if Claude feels anything but resentment towards me. I often have dreams that he finds me pacing the halls by myself, and he declares that he knows that I love him and that he feels the same. Then I can almost feel him pulling me into a warm embrace and kissing my forehead lovingly, but when I wake up my sheets are cold, and it is then that I realize, once again, that I am utterly alone in this bitter world. Afterwards I scold myself for the thousandth time for believing that I could ever experience such a thing as Claude even coming near me by choice. I should know by now that it's nothing more than a fabrication created by my deepest desires.

Then there are my nightmares. However, these terrors are reality it seems for these dreams only show two people, and those two people are Ciel Phantomhive and my beloved Claude. My mind seems to love torturing me with endless images of their tongues invading each other's mouths and their hands invading areas that shouldn't be explored. It's these days that I wake up in a much fowler mood because I cannot seem to find happiness in the tears that trail my cheeks on these mornings. Today was one of these mornings.

The only person Claude sees is that damn Phantomhive. The young earl already has a demon butler of his own and yet he still sets out to gain the heart of Claude as well. I'm jealous. I know I'm envious but who wouldn't be when you are a troublesome mess and someone who has such a dull personality has far more friends than you could ever have. It's irritating to say the least. He has people that like him, love him even, and what do I have? Servants, people bound to me through contracts and bribes and bargains. Ciel has friends and now he is taking my world away as well without even lifting a finger.

Every time Earl Phantomhive enters the room, my butler cannot find the willpower to avert his eyes from the young boy. It is so painfully obvious that Claude is in love with him. There is a certain spark there, a spark that is never there when it is me those amber orbs are staring at. I wonder if it is equally obvious that I am in love with Claude. Probably so.

Alois Trancy, a liar, a fake, and a sadistic psychopath. These words so easily describe me. Alois, a name that does not even belong to me, but suits me better than Jim ever could. The past was something I was never fond of, so I find that it's better to try and leave it behind. However, despite all my efforts, I seem to carry it with me. It's a burden that will forever sit upon my shoulders it seems. I am so troublesome. I'm a brat, I'm selfish, and I always demand the most frivolous things. Why is it that I wonder why Claude loves Ciel and not me? The answer is so obvious.

The soft knock at my door startles me. It finally occurs to me that instead of going to back to sleep, like planned, I ended up giving up rest in favor of swimming trough my worries until morning. Claude enters the room and I can hear his footsteps approaching my bed. I turn to face him and I find that I am not surprised by the expressionless face that greets me. I feel like his eyes could burn me alive if they hold their gaze for just a second too long. Perhaps Claude will get his wish and my soul will catch fire and turn to ash and I will die.

It's a painful thing to recognize hate in the eyes of someone you love. It stings more and more, each time more agonizing than the last.

"Good morning, Claude!" I practically shout and I almost flinch at the sound of my own voice. However, I keep a smile plastered to my face as I ponder whether Claude hates my vocal cords as much as I do. Perhaps I should attempt to become mute by choice. It might be better than having to deal with the obnoxious noise that escapes my mouth every time I even attempt to utter a word.

"Good morning, your highness." Is the monotonous reply to my greeting. I keep my smile wide and my eyes bright and although I look like I am starting my day off with a good mood I really wish that I could curl up into a ball and just disappear off the face of the planet.

I stand up and allow Claude to begin the tedious task of dressing me. I know he hates this time of day because his hands are forced to be brought so close to my own skin. Still, he pulls off my nightgown, showing no signs of reluctance, and begins dressing me for the day. I would very much love to unbutton half the buttons of my shirt as Claude works on them if only because he will have his hands on me for that much longer, but I do not have the energy to do both this and keep up my joy act, so I simply watch as his fingers briskly work the undone buttons.

After I am properly dressed for the day I decide that something to distract my mind is in order. I find my feet carrying me in the direction of the main hall and I know that my hands are itching to bring a mess to the entire mansion. I want to shatter the flower vases and rip the tapestries. I want to close the curtains and transform this bright, beautiful mansion into a dark and dreary mess. Then this place will be just like me; bland on the outside and completely destroyed on the inside.

As we approach the main hall I realize that Claude is attempting to lead us in the direction of the dining hall. Breakfast has more than likely been prepared for me by now. As sickly disgusting as breakfast sounds, I let Claude have his way; if I need to destroy something that desperately, then I can always find something in the dining hall as well.

I enter the room to find Hannah is setting the table. I have never understood why the sight of her makes me feel so incredibly violent. My mood has gone from bad to worse and just the sight of eggs on my plate makes me feel like vomiting. I'm so glad that I'm not hungry this morning.

I don't even bother sitting down, I simply pick up the plate and drop it at Hannah's feet. The wasted food spills onto her shoes and the plate now lies in shards. Hannah does not show any emotion, even when I slap her in an attempt to receive a reaction.

My frustration with her only grows, and this time I go for her throat with my fork. I know I cannot kill her too easily, but this time she winces and I am glad to find that it satisfies my irrational rage. It satisfies me so much in fact, that a large, sick smile forms on my face. This is what I am; a monster. A monster made out of a terrified little boy lost in a whirlpool of hate and guilt.

My smile quickly fades and again I feel like disappearing, or dying even. My throat is burning and I feel the tears just behind my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of Claude. I will not let him see my eyes go humid, not again. Besides, I know it would do nothing but make him hate me even more. I feel frustrated and yet I don't want to move. I can't walk or run or kick or scream or cry. I can only stand there and wait for my knees to buckle, because I know that my legs are begging to meet the floor.

I'm tired, exhausted even. I want to go back to sleep, and hopefully this time I will not dream. I'm just so tired. I can't keep up my petty act for much longer. The curtain must close at some point, and I think it's about time that this play comes to an end.

"Get out." My voice cracks halfway through and I feel like cursing myself.

"All of you get out, right now!"

Hannah is the first to move and the triplets follow her in the direction of the kitchen. Claude stands in his spot for a small moment, his eyes are the color of the sun and yet they remind me of a blizzard. I almost feel like shivering, but I refuse. I won't move. My lip wants to tremble but I clench my teeth together and force my body to be rigid. I will wait until he is gone, because I can't suffer this much embarrassment. He is still there, just standing, not moving, he's watching me carefully.

We make eye contact and I can't just glance away this time. I stare. I love him and it hurts. I want to die, because I know that I cannot survive without him. Does he know? Does he understand that I'm in pain because of him?

"Just do it already."

"Do what, your highness?"

"Just eat my damn soul already!"

"I am afraid I cannot do that."

"Why not?"

"The contract has not been com-"

"Forget the contract! I just want to die… Please just let me die already. Please, Claude."

The tears come unwillingly at this point. I can't control my body anymore, for I am shaking and sobbing and the tears have formed tiny rivers that flow ceaselessly down my cheeks. My legs finally give out and I hit the floor with a graceless 'thump'. My knees hurt, but the pain is easily ignored. I barely process the fact that one of the triplets must have swept when I wasn't paying attention because the broken shards of my plate are missing.

The next thing I know is that Claude is picking me up and from there I am placed on a nearby dining chair. I want to say something, but I can barely breathe let alone speak. Claude places a handkerchief in my palm and as much as I would love to thank him I can only wipe the tears away with the small cloth he has given me.

I try to focus all my energy into calming down and take deep breaths. Eventually my sobbing subsides and I am left with uneven breathing. Claude is still standing there, staring down at me. I know I look terrible, with puffy eyes and a flushed face, but still he stares at me.

"Thank you."

My voice is altered due to my nose, which is now annoyingly runny. It's the side effect of crying that I hate the most.

"Do you still want me to feast on your soul?"

This question throws me completely off. I have teased him, I realize, for the word feast certainly shows that he at least wants to eat my soul. However, the thought of actually dying starts to terrify me and I am starting to regret my words. I'm not really sure that I'm ready to die, not yet.

I can't reply. I don't want to tell him no but I definitely don't want to tell him yes. My hesitation seems to speak for me.

"Would you like me to prepare a bath for you, your highness?"

I see. Changing the topic is probably for the best.

I nod, for a bath sounds only too good.

Claude offers his hand and with his help I find that, despite the fact that my legs feel like pudding, I am able to stand once again. He begins leading us through the mansion and to the master bathroom. I still feel like a petulant asshole for basically waving a meal in front of Claude's face and then telling him he can't have it.

"I'm sorry. I was basically taunting you."

This has to be the first sincere apology I have offered in a very long time. The maturity in my voice startles me a little. I didn't realize that I could actually act or sound my age. Apparently Claude is a little taken aback as well because his eyes seem a little wider than normal when he glances at me.

"There is no need to apologize, your highness. You were just worked up."

"No. No more excuses. I need to stop acting like a child."

"You are a child."

"That shouldn't excuse me from being immature and rude. I need to move on and accept the past. Luka is dead and you…"

"I?"

I really need to stop hesitating. It's just a waste of time.

"You despise me. Right, Claude?"

"Despise is a little strong."

It's not the answer I was hoping for, but I am glad to hear it nonetheless.

"So you dislike me then?"

"It is more accurate to say that I dislike some of your actions."

"Ah, like when I make a mess of the place for no good reason?"

"Yes, exactly like that."

"What if I stopped?"

"Then perhaps I would enjoy being in your presence a bit more."

I can't help but laugh a little. The relief of not being hated has definitely taken weight off of my shoulders. However, the gravity of my next statement brings me back down to earth and my smile fades slightly.

"Claude?"

"Yes, your highness?"

"I love you."

The only thing that can be heard now is our footsteps. I nearly think that he won't reply and I am quite startled when he does.

"I know."

I don't know why I find myself smiling so happily at this. It's not like he loves me back, but for some reason these words make me blissful.

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That night, for the first time in a very long time, I slept without dreaming.

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**So yeah, that's pretty much it! I was thinking of making a sequel where Alois is older and more mature and Claude starts to actually like him a bit, but idk :P**

**If you would like you can leave a review or even private message me, i don't mind! Responses from readers always makes me happy!**

**Thank you so much for reading and have a awesome day!**


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